There is a dark side of mothering which is hard to confront and fills us with guilt/shock/horror and subsequently a notion that leads us to beat ourselves up with mama guilt. BUT the dark side has purpose, a portal, a mirror for us to confront what is hidden within ourselves. We are human, but as mothers we are expected not to be – We want to be kind, happy, connected and caring every single day. It is simply not possible is it? Is there a superhuman mother out there? Please make yourself known in the comments below.
Image via Celiwin Deviantart
But we do need to be aware of what is triggering us, what the patterns are, because if we don’t that can spiral out of control..
A lot of my issues and triggers are hugely linked to loss of freedom.. I did not realise what a freedom fighter I was until I birthed a mini me. Flo is the definition of freedom and it’s a mirror most days. A wild horse who does not want to be tamed. Her determination, strength and power is hard to contain. She wants to lead the show, but what comes with this challenge is a very independent, strong willed and courageous little girl who I love with all my heart and soul.
I feel we are very entwined in many past lives and I think there with be many issues and lessons along the way. I will be delving into our connection more along this journey. I’m a seeker so surface here and now won’t work for me. I need to understand whats playing out from the past so I can look to the future.
I already know Flo is a baby I lost in a past life in a very traumatic way. The birth of her bought us both so much pain and I know this lifetime is our healing together. We are almost too connected if that is possible.. I only have to breath in the next room and she wakes up from her sleep.
The only way I have become aware of my triggers is to write, to journal, to keep a daily review of what happened.. You start to see a pattern, you can see what plays out day to day. Thoughts and beliefs that you just aren’t aware of. A daily review is almost like writing a dairy – Just note down your reactions and thoughts. You will start to see a dialogue happening. All the little personalities inside you having their say. All muddled up you are a mess, but noted down you can clear on what is being said.
The only way I heal these triggered moments is to talk to her about them. I always say sorry and explain mummy was tired. I try to own my emotions and outbursts as much as possible. I talk to her like I would a friend and explain what was going on for me. We always hug it out and hopefully her little mind is eased. I don’t think we should hide our emotions from our children but we should always make them feel safe and model healthy ways to manage emotions.
We only learn through our mistakes, please don’t beat yourself up for them x
Ps. Find a mum you can be really honest with. Even if you feel like you are moaning and being negative. A problem shared is one that is expressed rather than repressed.