How did you feel when you first set eyes on your baby? In love, scared, shocked, confused? I try to think back at that exact moment four years and the imagery is blurred as is the days and hours which followed. I could not see out of my own eyes for sheer exhaustion. I can still see a pained little soul who had been through the most traumatic ordeal, she certainly didn’t look serene like all the other new born babies I had seen swaddled in fresh white blankets, sleeping on their mothers’ chest. The pain for us both felt heavy and shocking, I didn’t know how to process it. I know the birth had not gone to plan but I was worried about what was ahead and what the implications were of such a harrowing experience. I didn’t have too much time to ponder this worry as the next more urgent challenge was to try and breast feed!! (Oh ok I actually have to feed her – the maternal instinct had no chance of kicking in as I think I flatlined on the theatre bed)
(Photo by Heline Bekker Photography)
One panic attack later, I managed to escape the maternity ward 30 hours after the birth (I thought nurses were meant to be nurturing?!) I wanted to get the hell out of there and although latching had not taken place, I certainly didn’t feel safe or cared for. Feeding her is probably due another post so I will skip the details for now. BUT the point of this post is to discuss this photo – At two weeks old, still dazed and confused, I organised a lovely photographer friend to come to the house. The brief was a sleeping baby cocooned in a thick knitted blanket, flower adorning her head optional? Erm instead her eyes were open wide in every shot, so knowing, so alert, so not a baby!! I realised I had a very old soul on my hands and one that was not going to be moulded, cocooned or dressed up. She saw straight through us and those wide eyes full of wonder looked straight into my soul. I saw her spirit on this day and vowed to respect and nurture it…
My birth story is very much about feeling powerless, but look at the little powerhouse that survived such an ordeal. x
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