The cord is never really cut and I really believe the way the cord was cut will dictate the attachment between mother and child. If cut gently, patiently and calmly then the connection can be the same, but if cut under shock and fear then the connection could be slightly more fraught. I have sensed this since my little one was born. Her cord was cut in a traumatic way. I felt the instant responsibility to heal the trauma, and it was completely overwhelming.
Image via Александр Раскольников
I feel everything she feels and vice versa.. It’s an intertwined energetic field, from many life times and our dynamic is deep.
The day she was born, she was taken away from me in the middle of the night, by a midwife – I was lost, trapped and caged on a ward and I didn’t know where she had gone. I panicked, I went looking for her and found all the midwives cuddling her in reception. I asked for her back and I slept with her on my chest for the rest of the night. The hospital was not nurturing and neither were the nurses.. I felt threatened and fearful. They bought her back to me smelling of smoke with a dummy in her mouth. They didn’t tell me but I know they took her away to give her milk. I felt powerless. After a panic attack the next morning I left the hospital still not able to feed but I needed to feel safe with her.
Her every cry tortured me, I felt every bit of her pain and I became so sleep deprived and lonely with worry for her and me. As she got older the answer was to get help, get childcare so I could rest/work. But I couldn’t focus without her either – I was foggy and unfocused, missing part of myself I was so immersed in. Worrying how people were treating her, talking to her, was she happy? She would come out of childcare wired and overly tired. It was a roller coaster of crazy energy.
She is now settled in a different nursery, but I still think about how her day has gone. I’m never alone in my own mind. It is certainly getting easier as she gets older. BUT I feel this is just something mothers have to get used to and adapt to.
I know when she has fallen over and hurt herself even if I’m not with her. I was walking the dog the other day and I saw her fall off her scooter and hit her chin and of course she returned home a few hours later with a grazed chin.
We also co sleep, after many years of disrupted sleep, it was the easiest option. She wants me with her when she falls asleep and I’m not hard enough to refuse and close the door in order to get me time, even though I’m exhausted. Boundaries have been the toughest lesson in motherhood for me. Fearful of damaging her and making her feel unloved. I really like sleeping next to her – I think we both feel safe together. I realised over the weekend that I really struggle if she is not close as she has always been right next door or in the same bed. We stayed at grandmas and she slept a few rooms away. It didn’t feel ok, I couldn’t sleep or relax. I’m a light sleeper since having her, but just waking and hearing/seeing her sleep means I can settle back to rest. I have no issue when I stay away from her completely. I suppose the field is so distanced it’s ok.
I struggle with peoples judgements, they say we are too connected, I need to let go, get more separation. I’ve been acutely aware that I want her to be in her own field and not so caught up in mine. (Even though I know she is enveloped in mine for the first 7 years of her life) Everyone has an opinion and I find it very hard to explain and have to justify my reasoning and feeling. If you could only feel the cord (a cord that carries so many lifetimes) and what it’s endured then maybe you would see and understand my perspective.
Getting clarity on our dynamic spiritually has aided my understanding. Looking at our ancestors and the energy we have carried forward. We know the cord will always be there, but maybe the tension of it will soften and relax. I will always be adapting to this tendril that comes from my heart, mind, body and soul to hers and vice versa. x
I will write more about attachment and connection in some more posts to come. I’m currently reading ‘ Why love matters’ by Sue Gerhardt