I was listening to a birth trauma webinar by Jennie Harrison (Enlightened mamas) a few weeks ago. Hearing her story took me back to my birth trauma which I’m still healing alongside my daughter. Listening in tears it was so enlightening to hear you can actually talk to your child about this trauma now.. This is something I just didn’t think of doing, worrying Flo would be too young to connect with it. But we must remember we are always connected, age and stage does not matter.
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Flo was born at 6am in the morning in a cold, stark and scary theatre room. The radio was blaring music very loudly (I’m not sure why?) It was an adrenaline rushed and fast moving environment and I think the music was possibly there to keep them awake and alert given the time of morning?
Moments before Flo arrived, ‘Rudolph the red nose reindeer’ was playing and I distinctly remember thinking, please don’t be born to this. Luckily she was pulled into this world with ‘How long will I love you’ by Ellie Goulding as her theme tune. With a huge sigh of relief I could hear she was alive and what a blessing to be gifted this song with such beautiful words.
For along time after her birth I put off listening this song as I ended up in uncontrollable floods of tears. I didn’t want her to see my pain so I simply stopped playing it. I pushed it back down!
BUT I took Jennie’s advice and started to talk to Flo about her birth. Flo doesn’t express or talk too much about emotions, but she said she remembered her birth. The conversation abruptly ended there. We often dance in the lounge to Fleetwood Mac and of course Trolls (her favourite happy dance). But I suggested we play the baby song. She loves babies so was very happy to listen. We hugged and danced, tears started to fall down my face, but this time I didn’t hide them. I let her see my, she looked in my eyes and hugged me tighter.. She would not let go.. she asked to be held like a baby, so I did. The song played on repeat around 20 times, in fact she would not let me go to turn it off. I let the tears flow. Flo even cried, but gently and calmly, almost in a soothing way. She told me she loved me over and over again, I stroked her hair and rocked her like a very young baby. I cried because this is how it should have felt, this is how I should have held her. I was exhausted with emotion so I retreated to the sofa with her on my chest. Flo does not often lay still, always on the go and moving. I was so shocked to see this healing take around 1 hour. But I did not let go until she pulled away. It was important that she had the time and space to feel that love, the connection we never had. I felt so much lighter afterwards, like layers of heavyness had lifted from my being.
She still asks for the baby song every known and again and of course I happily play it on her request. xx
So please if there is a piece of music precious to your heart, play it to your little one. Show your emotion – It’s healing, calming and creates a bonding connection.